“There’s an empty place in my bones that calls out for something unknown.”
I’m laying here watching the Martha Stewart documentary on Netflix, and it is really resonating with me. She’s a woman who fully believes she can do anything, and she’s unapologetically brazen as she conquers her vision. I’d like to think I’m a bit more gentle and compassionate in my approach compared to hers (no offense, Martha). But I relate to her drive, determination, grit, and delusion that she truly can do it all. In case you haven’t watched the documentary, I’ll provide the cliff notes…
Martha is described as a woman who is relentless at work. She isn’t a particularly warm person, but is a fantastic business woman. She cares about the details of her work, building a brand based on perfection. Prior to Martha going to prison, her friend made a poignant statement, remarking, “She had lived before that [prison] being worried about what people thought of her. And then the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened.”
When I heard this, I began to wonder…
“If we live in fear, will that fear follow us? If we run, will it chase us? If we confront the fear, what will happen?"
In preparation for our departure, I know the trip itself isn’t what I’m afraid of.
I started my day today feeling very tired, and I limped through my sessions. The nonprofit I built is now dissolving, and I’m responsible for all of the paperwork, accounts, selling and donating furniture. The list goes on and on. I’m utterly exhausted.
In the same way that I am limping through these final weeks here, I wonder if Martha was feeling like this before she was sentenced? In a journal entry during her time in prison, Martha says that prison was the first time she was able to think and reflect on her life. How drastic is that?!?! She needed prison to stop herself from the constant pursuit of forward momentum?!?! That’s hardcore….and unfortunately, so relatable. Women like us can struggle with boundaries. Interpersonally, we can establish and maintain boundaries…that is not an issue. We know how we want to be treated and we demand it. But when it comes to work and pursuit and creation and helping people, we are unable to pause. Or maybe I’ll just speak for myself here.
I’ve been unable to pause. I don’t actually know how.
When I think about Martha’s friend’s comment, the remark where she noted that Martha’s greatest fear had come to fruition,
I suppose my greatest fear is that when this trip is all said and done, I will not have changed.
For the ways I want to say the same, I equally want to return from this trip changed.
I simply want to learn how to be.
On Christmas Eve, we ate at Cracker Barrel for breakfast. At the table in front of me was a man wearing a sweatshirt I couldn’t take my eyes off of. The hoodie read,
“There’s an empty place in my bones that calls out for something unknown.”
This quote kicked me right in the chops.
What is it about the unknown that feels so attractive?
I imagine some of it is the opportunity to reinvent myself. I can start over, and I don’t know how to do that if I’m in the same place.
But are my expectations for the unknown too high? I’m expecting the unknown to teach me something. That’s a lot of pressure!
I’m also desperate for an enduring pause. I’m desperate to learn how to navigate life more mindfully. I don’t want to take this trip and return to business as usual, running around like a maniac, distant from all the things that matter, and connected to the things that don’t.
The quote on the hoodie is actually a line from the movie, The Nightmare Before Christmas. What a profound line that found me 31 years after that film was created.
Only a few more days until we depart. Here’s to the unknown! And me not learning my lessons in prison. I’ll leave that to Martha.
